July 1

SCOTUS and the Pill

I’m going to get real with you here for a bit. I love to tackle controversial topics, such as feminism and fucking teddy bears, but one thing I tend to not talk about is politics. This is mainly because in the US we’re a 2 party system, which generally means that if you discuss politics you’re effectively alienating half the population.

But I wanted to discuss the Burwell v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc. decision by the Supreme Court of the United States, or SCOTUS. First, the result of the decision, without the hype:

Religious people who own closely owned for-profit organizations are no longer required to provide access to 4 specific types of birth control which can be considered abortifacients, such as Plan B (Levonorgestrel) which is widely known as “The morning after pill.”

There are a few important factors in this. The first is the term closely owned. What they mean by this is they are “corporations [that are] owned and controlled by members of a single family, and no one has disputed the sincerity of their religious beliefs.”

This limits the effect of the decision, but there’s still an effect. The next thing we need to look at is the types of birth control. Plan B, Ella, and certain intrauterine devices. The thing to remember here is that 2 of these are “Emergency Contraceptive” in other words, they’re morning after pills, which are useful, for sure, but let’s not fool ourselves and call them anything but the “Didn’t want to use a condom” pills. So I’m going to focus on the intrauterine devices.

The reason that these devices are listed is because of a technicality in how they work, and the lack of knowledge in the scientific community on exactly how the shit you’re shoving up people’s crotches work. There’s a divide in belief, and I’m going to call out the religious community on this one. When they’re fighting abortion they continuously say that you are a person as a fetus, but now when it comes to Hobby Lobby and intrauterine devices, they are claiming that you’re a person when the egg is fertilized, even before it has attached to the uterus and developed into a fetus.

This seems to be an abuse of the legal systems allowances for religious belief. But, given that I have experience with these devices and that they made my wife extremely sick, I have to admit, I’m not all that upset.

In fact, given that the court is still requiring these companies to allow access to other types of birth control, it’s not like they removed access entirely.

No, what’s gotten everyone up in arms is that women are being told what types of birth control they can use, and to that I have this to say:

So

Fucking

What.

I go to the doctor, and I have a list of prescriptions that I’m allowed to purchase based on my insurance, and I’m a guy. So if I can’t decide which pain medication to use, even if one of the banned ones would work better, how is that any different than you having to opt for a different form of birth control? If you want to use a different birth control, the ability is still there, you just have to do it yourself, just like me if I want to substitute whiskey for my ibuprofen.

That sounds harsh, because it is. I’m harsh because I want you to know that you are being ridiculous. But you’re not the only one.

SCOTUS has a history of misinterpreting the First Amendment to say that you have to bend for all religions or you’re favoring one over another. It makes more sense to make no wavers for any religion at all. If our government changes for a religion they are effectively insulting all others. But bend to none and you tell them it is they who must change to fit society.

The idea that you can make all religions happy is as absurd as the idea that you can effectively run a government with only two major political parties. Especially when both parties are chuck full of morons.

There is one thing in the decision that isn’t getting wide notice, and it’s something that I think will change a lot of minds.

SCOTUS made mention that the Department of Health and Human Services already has a policy in place for non-profit organizations of a religious nature that allows them to get around the very issue that SCOTUS was deciding on for for-profit businesses, and as they said in the decision, there is absolutely no reason why that same policy and system couldn’t be expanded to included all religious organizations, including those that fall into the header of closely owned for-profit corporation.

Until then, though, you’re just going to have to remember to pick up condoms.

I know.

Sucks, right?

June 29

A Call To Unionize Your Local Walmart

It’s time for you to get off your asses and to get to work. No, I don’t mean get your blues and browns on and head into the store, I mean, get together and unionize. The only way that we’re going to see Walmart stop taking the little guy for granted is if you band together as one and form a union to take back the power from the corporation.

The Canadian Supreme Court has ruled that Walmart violated their union laws when they closed a store while unionization actions were happening. This was illegal, and the workers will be compensated. This might not seem like a big win, but it marks a point where the corporation actually lost in court against a union in North America.

You can do this. I will back you ever minute of the way, and you have my full support.

Seriously, get to work on this today. I don’t care where you are, who you are, or what your situation is, you need to unionize your local Walmart. Attack them on all fronts. If every store in America decided to unionize today, there would be absolutely no way they could fight it. They can use all the propaganda they want, but ask yourselves this, is anything they’re saying actually worse than what you already have?

Can you pay all your bills with your salary? If yes, is it just barely? Are you still on state aid?

If you could increase your salary, even after paying union dues, wouldn’t that mean it was worth it?

I think so. Having worked at Walmart, and having family and friends that have worked there, and do still, this is a very personal message from me to you. Get together, group up, meet, and figure it out. Hire a lawyer, and get this shit going.

Unionize your local Walmart.

Unionize it now.

Seriously.

Today.

Sincerely,
Anubis

June 27

Dear Bridesmaids Flashing Asses at Weddings,

I really don’t get this trend. In fact, when your wedding trend has been taken in full by a porn site, and you should probably stop doing it. What’s this trend I’m speaking of?

Bridesmaids, flashing their asses for the camera.

Hey, I’m a guy, I can appreciate a hot ass when I see it, but this is your friends wedding day. It’s not some strip club beer hop where you only have to worry about the photo ending up on the wall and being jerked off to by random strangers. This is a photo that could potentially be viewed for generations by your friends loving family.

So leave your fucking skirt on.

Seriously.

Even photographers are shaking their head at this new trend. I’m guessing mainly because they don’t want to see your skidmarked skivvies all day. They’re wedding photographers, not pornographers.

How are you brides convincing your friends to do this, anyway? How are so many bridesmaids agreeing to turn themselves slutty for your special day? Is this right before you agree to do an orgy with the groomsmen? Is that what this is, one large lead up to a gangbang where the bride and groom and up having sex while crowd surfing across a sea of slutty women and men?

Maybe.

Sounds like a good party, I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing.

At the end of the day though, it does all come down to being intelligent. You’re going to, hopefully, keep these memories for the rest of your life. Do you really want to keep the evidence of why your husband left you for your maid of honor? I mean, you don’t really need photographic evidence of her having a better ass than you.

Just look on her facebook page.

Your husband just liked all her posts.

Sincerely,
Anubis

June 26

Dear Teddy Love,

You are the perfect gift to give a furry. But let’s admit it, what you really are is a way for perverts to give sex toys to children, without anyone realizing it. I can picture Christmas already. Toys being handed around, when suddenly little Susie gets her box. Oh look, it’s a teddy bear. What’s that, creepy uncle Chester? You’ll show me his surprise later? For now just cuddle with it? Why would Susie want to lick his nose?

Because Uncle Chester–the molester–thinks Susie is a dirty girl, and that Teddy is actually a sex toy.

Seriously.

Who the fuck comes up with this stuff?

Dawn Harmon, CEO of Teddy Love Incorporated–because of course she is. She’s come up with this teddy bear that fucks you, I’m assuming she had the idea when her dog finally realized why his peanut butter always tasted like fish, and decided that no, he didn’t want that peanut butter anymore. What kind of a human being thinks it’s a good idea to convert the most innocent of child play things–a teddy bear— into a sex toy? Is this really how you want to leave your legacy on the world? Being able to say, “I was the person responsible for generations of people having to yell at their children ‘Get mommy’s teddy bear out of your mouth!'”

I couldn’t even have that thing in my home, and it’s not because it’s a sex toy. I don’t mind sex toys, in fact I’ve purchased a few in the past. The can be fun, enjoyable, special even.

What I can’t abide is watching someone molesting a teddy bear. I get the sentiment, you want to have a way of having your vibrating, no semen squirting fun, and not have to worry about someone seeing your sex toy and realizing it’s a sex toy. If you want to do that, great. In fact, hide it in a teddy bear if you want. That’s okay! Make a teddy bear with a zip up hidden compartment in it’s back where you can hide your favorite sex toy.

Just don’t make Teddy eat your pussy.

He’s done nothing wrong.

Sincerely,
Anubis

June 23

Feminism vs. Feminazism and other bastardizations

First off, let me tackle the big hate comments right off the bat:

  1. Yes, I’m male. If this is a problem, fuck you.
  2. I understand Rush Limbaugh coined the term Feminazi, and it has been abused a lot to insult actual feminists. To this I say, fuck Rush Limbaugh.
  3. If you are going to insult and / or attack this post, have at it, the comments section is there for a reason. But do me the honor of reading the whole thing before you jump to a (most likely erroneous) conclusion.

There, now that that’s done, let’s get into it.

Fuck feminazis. Seriously, don’t even try to come to me with your man hating, holier than thou attitude because I will verbal smack you down. You are not better than men, so quit trying to act it. Also, stop calling yourself a feminist.

In fact, Feminists…quit calling yourselves Feminists. The term feminism doesn’t even reach the point that you’re trying to make, it is a misleading and horrible term. Humanist is better.

Feminazis, you say you want equality, but in reality you want to be viewed as above men. Feminsts, I respect you, because you want the equality for all and not just women. I know many feminists, and I respect the hell out of all of them. Why? Because they stand up for people that deserve it. People like other women who are being treated like shit, or, you know, men that are being treated like shit. Or animals that are being treated like shit. Or homosexuals that are being treated like shit, both male and female. Or asexuals that are being treated like shit.

I’m sure you see the pattern forming.

That’s why I’m really tired of the bastardization of the whole term and movement. The good is being diluted due to the few bad apples that twats like Rush Limbaugh are able to grab onto and hold up to say “Look here, this is the face of the entire movement.”

It leaves a bad taste in my mouth to have to agree with him, but when he does that, and it’s a true Feminazi, I do.

Please stop making me have to agree with Rush Limbaugh…

This goes for my homosexual friends as well. Seriously, I get the gay pride parades, I do, but quit making that shit look like the bastard child of mardi gras and a gay porn orgy. It’s doing nothing to help your cause, and only gives the bigots something to grab onto and say “This is what all gay people want to do, every day of the week! Even in your schools! Think of the children!” 

Seriously, I’m a proud, active follower of Wipe Out Homophobia. I am friends with all races, genders, and sexual orientations. In fact, and this might come as a shock to those of you that have ever read any of my writing ever, I actually like the human race as a whole. I just get completely fed up with the ignorant people that parade themselves around as if they were the best of the best of the best of their particular group, when in reality we’re all just slightly more than stupid.

So please, stop being militant about everything.

Maybe it’s just my inner hippie, but I just can’t help but wonder…

Can’t we all just get along?

June 22

Dear Jeremy Meeks Fans,

We get it, he’s handsome. Yay for you, you hormone flooded estrogen flood.

He was also arrested with a weapon on him, which is kind of illegal, given he’s a felon with a criminal record including beating a 16 year old to within an inch of is life. Yea, that’s the kind of guy you’re swooning for.

Now, I get it, I do, the bad guy image. It’s so fucking cool, right? It’s almost like this is the 50s and the only thing he’s done wrong is ride a motorcycle and smoke a cigarette. Only, his motorcycle is the Crips gang, and his cigarette is mother-fucking guns.

Now, I’m not saying that Jeremy Meeks is a serial killer, but the same psychology applies here as does apply to serial killer groupies. You like the idea of a bad boy, you like the idea of a man that will “only be good because of” you. When in reality, you’re just deluding yourself to imagining a world that doesn’t exist.

First off, the man is married, so if you think you’re going to be the special someone that breaks him down and saves his soul, you’re an idiot.

Secondly, according to his wife, he’s reformed and has been living a “Christian lifestyle” for the last 7 years. None of this explains why the guy was carrying a gun and hanging around with a bunch of criminals, but it does show one thing.

You’re nowhere near getting sex from this guy.

And isn’t that what you really want? I mean, given the only things you know from the picture that has you swooning is that the man is:

  1. A criminal and,
  2. Handsome

At the end of the day we’re left to conclude that you’re only really giving a shit about wanting to do the bedroom bad thing and gaze into this guys eyes while you reach your climax.

But, again, you’re deluding yourself.

He is, after all, a man.

And a criminal.

You really think he’s going to wait for you to climax?

Sincerely,
Anubis

June 21

Dear Idiot Driver of Truck D6776,

Attack Like the Hoarding Masses You Are

No, that’s ok, random truck driver who almost killed me today. I didn’t want to fucking drive today. No, no, it’s cool, guy, you must be in that much of a hurry. I mean, yea, I’m here, I’m doing the speeding limit, and there’s a string of cars coming, but hey, yea, go right ahead and pass. I’m sure they’ll let you by, I mean, it’s not like you’re doing something that’s two parts insane, and 3 parts illegal.

Oh, see, yea, I was right, that car saw you coming, so it’s cool. I mean, sure, he’s now off the road and dangerously close to driving into some trees, but you got by, so we’re cool. Oh, and me? Yea, I just had to slam on my breaks and drive off the road myself. It’s ok, though, because it’s only me, my wife, and my two kids in the car, so not like anyone will get hurt if we crash.

And yea, I know you see me driving up behind you, I’m sure of it. I know this because you started speeding. Yea, the speed limit’s only 55 here, and you’re doing 80, but that’s cool because you’ve already proven you can put a box truck wherever the fuck you want to.

Oh, did you notice that? Yea. That was me snapping a picture of your sticker. You know, the one with the phone number to call and your truck ID?

Fuck you, driver guy. I can’t keep up the satire, because I really just want to jump out of my car and kill you. In fact, when I saw you turn off into the parking lot, I was tempted to follow you in there. In fact, the only thing that kept me from doing it was the fact that I had my children in the car with me, and I just happened to not pack my baseball bat with me this morning.

So instead of beating you about the head and shoulders with a baseball bat, I’m instead calling upon my adoring fans.

Take the number in the photograph for this post. Take it, call it, and tell them exactly what happened. Pretend you were there. Pretend you were one of the cars that got driven off the road. Make them aware that this douche driver didn’t even slow down to see if anyone was hurt. Let them know, and make sure that he is no longer able to be a danger to himself and others.

I’m calling to you, masses of the internet. They’re going to ask you where it happened, and it was Route 2 in Pittsfield, Maine. 11:30am on June 21st, 2014.

Do it for me, my darlings.

Sincerely,
Anubis

June 20

If I ever catch you twerking…

If I know you, if we have ever met in person, possibly shared a friendly conversation, or just basically enjoyed each other’s presence for even a millisecond, this message is to you. If there is even a possibility that in the furthest stretches of time we will ever encounter each other, this message is for you. If I will never meet you, but you fear that others think the same as I do, this message is for you.

If you’re human, this message is for you.

Stop.

Fucking.

Twerking.

If I ever catch you twerking, I will trip you. If you get back up, I’ll laugh and pretend it was an accident. And then I’ll punch you in the throat. I’ll kick you in the shin, and attempt to break your legs. Why? Because you don’t deserve to walk. You look like the after birth of Michael J. Fox and an epileptic seizure. You’re not worth my time, and yet I will find the time.

I will trip you, kick you in the head, and then laugh.

Not to hurt you.

But to teach you a needed lesson.

Stop twerking.

STOP twerking.

stop Twerking.

StOp TwErKiNg

STOPtwerking

I can’t think of any other way to say it.

June 20

Dear Dr. Oz — and the people who believe in “Miracle Drugs”

I’m not a doctor by any means, but given that Dr. Oz just got his ass handed to him by Congress, I’m okay with this. Now, you might not know this, since I’ve been gone, but in my absence I went back to working outside of the house, and part of that work was as a supervisor at a call center.

We handled these so called “Miracle Drugs.”

I have to be honest, people, they don’t fucking work.

We say they do, we push them, and we try our hardest, and we’re really good at it, but in the end, the only thing going on is what’s called the placebo effect. In short, it ain’t real.

I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a scam, because it’s not. A scam is cheating you out of your money. What we’re providing is false hope. We allude to the fact that you can lose weight, embellishing just slightly with our emphasis. The facts remain that studies have shown that there are benefits to products like Garcinia Cambogia and Green Coffee extract. But, there is ample evidence that studies aren’t that reliable.

At the end of the day, it’s like this, if you read something that purports to be a miracle product, or mysterious, or anything that even smells of “too-good-to-be-true” odds are in your favor that it isn’t true.

Stay safe, people.

Sincerely,

Anubis

June 20

I’m baaaaaack…

It’s been a couple of years, how have you been? Good? Good. Did you miss me?

Don’t lie.

You know you missed me.

As you can see, the rest of the posts are missing. That’s because back in 2011, shortly after I published Sincerely, Anubis: Letters to a Stupid World, Volume 1, the server crashed and we lost everything. I tried to recover, but let’s face it, there was a lot of shit, and it was all gone. Totally. Complete. Irreversably.

Gone.

I decided then that it was as good a time as any to close up shop, frustrated with the world, frustrated with life, and fuming with as much rage as I had ever had. But now I’m back, and ready to start over.

This time around we’re going to see a bit more around here. Last time I stuck to just open letters, but this time I’ve grown, expanded my horizons, and decided to still include the open letters, but not focus on them solely.

Stay tuned, kids. Papa’s home, and he smells like Jack and Coke.